This is the story of an experiment, and a experience. For a while I had been toying with the idea of writing a blog about my depression, how it started, how it morphed into something that has been with me for a long, long time, and how it was changing me. I wasn't sure how to begin. As I sit here on this gloomy, dark Portland day I wondered how to keep on going. Depression is a hard thing to carry. It weighs you down, it torments you, and makes you feel like you are slogging through mud. Just the torpor alone is enough to make you want to crawl back into bed, pull the covers up over your head, and blot out the world, at least for that one day. My depression was a nasty customer and it's not going away anytime soon. For some people, depression comes in and leaves in a timely manner. For me, it's been a life-long sentence to misery.
I had been doing all the "right" things. I was exercising, trying to change my diet and eat right, meditating, trying to develop a support system, doing volunteer opportunities, and trying to keep my head above water. Make an effort and you should see results. Yet, it wasn't working. I still was fighting the monster every time I woke up from my slumber, right as I opened my eyes every morning. With tears running down my cheeks I swung my legs over the bed and put my feet on the floor. Just making it to the bathroom was an effort. Taking a shower, almost impossible. Getting through the day was the main goal. Just make it to the end of the day, and then collapse into a coma from the medications I was taking for sleep.
My depression has been with me for my whole life, from childhood up until the present day. From old patterns of negative thinking, coupled with trauma and abuse from my childhood, it was the perfect storm leading into depressive episodes. I've never really been "well." Never had it go completely into remission. No, its a kind of depression called "Dysthymia.:" The definition of dysthymia depression is: "a mild but long-term (chronic) form of depression. Symptoms usually last for at least two years, and often for much longer than that. Dysthymia interferes with your ability to function and enjoy life." Such a neat little definition. So that's why I'm feeling so bad. Uhm...can you stop the world, I would like to get off. But the world keeps on spinning no matter how hard or long you scream.
One day as I was walking through the mall, I go an idea. Why not write about my experience and make a project out of it. A project of learning how to heal myself. A year-long project that would ask the utmost of me and would really put my efforts to the test. The saying goes: "Physician, heal thyself." Well, "Depressive, heal thyself," as well.
I would make this project a year of experiences. Each month I would write about what I was doing to try to heal myself and make meaning out of my illness experiences. Examples included, yoga, exercise, nutrition, alternative medicine, light, support networks, and anything else that I felt would add to the positive mix. I would write from the heart, leaving nothing out, exposing my innermost thoughts to the world. Maybe someone out there would resonate with my struggles as well. Maybe, just maybe I could touch a life and make a difference in the world.
My theory was simple. Do something, make an effort and things would happen. Hopefully, positive things. It would change me for sure and perhaps the dark clouds would lift for a while giving me peace and a sense of mastery. Heavens know, I was missing that sense of mastery of controlling my own life. Depression had taken control and had made me it's slave. Now, I was going to turn the tables on it and get back at it, getting a glimmer of hope in a dark, stormy night.
My plan was straightforward. Take an activity and write about it for that month. Get down and dirty with it, really throw myself in, like they say in Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Share the experience and see if others can relate. Share my story on social media with like-minded others. People who are loosing weight relish the support from online communities. Perhaps I too could garner support from people who had been there and were struggling right alongside with me.
I formulated a plan. Here are my planned activities:
January: See my physician, Exercise, see a Natroupath
February: Nutrition, Lightboxes, Juice Cleanses
March: Volunteer work at a local animal shelter
April: Massage (Chinese, Spa)
May: Artistic Crafts like Knitting, Watercolors
June: Acupuncture
July: Nature Hiking, Kayaking
August: Self-Help books, seminars
Sept: Pets, other animals
October: Travel
November: Support Groups, Cog Thearapy, DBT
December: Mindfulness, Meditation, Holidays
So now that's it getting close to the start of the new year, I still feel hesitation. I'm not sure if I can do this and make it interesting. That little voice of negativity that never stops beating you up inside. Can I really do something like this intense project, while depressed? What if I fail? Ok, stop it! Negative voice, move aside! I am going to do this, come Hell or high water. It's now or never. I was going to finally succeed at something for once,and not let my insecurities bind me. After all, the worst I could do is fail and if so, then I would have learned important lessons anyway.
So if you would like to, come along with me as we share a way to spend 12 Months Trying to Heal Myself.
Christine
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